My Initial Thoughts of Love

I only think I will feel most comfortable writing this blog listening to music. Very fitting music for every mood, for every thought, and every creation. Each time I will most likely pick a station on Pandora. Boards of Canada is such a beautiful station that I sometimes feel the want to lay here for an eternity and listen to nothing else. On the occasion I would hope to feel the touch and the lips of the one I loved.

Of course this person of whom I imagine is just that; a part of my imagination. I find myself feeling lonely, yet hopeful to find the love I dream about almost every day. I am a hopeless romantic who wishes nothing more than to share the rest of my life with someone who wants the same. I want to be able to laugh at silly jokes, make funny faces, find the comfort in the silence, and want nothing more than to hold each others hand. I want to love like every romance comedy, like every love letter or poem, like every song that lifted your heart into a memory so sweet you almost lost it in your daydreams of memories not yet made. I love the idea of love and it has been a goal in my life since as far back as my mind will recall.

Sadly, in the my search for true love, I have found fear and heartbreak. I come out better and stronger after each sad ending, but I find myself never really letting go of my one true fear. Of being alone for the rest of my life. I feel myself panic, I feel myself unable to sleep or find comfort in my dreams. I am falling away from the thing I wish I had most and I am losing time so rapidly that nothing can save me from my own demise. There is the quote, "you are your worst enemy" and I find nothing but truth in these words. I cannot be left alone to think of the 'what ifs' and the possible outcome to every possible action. I have left myself alone to think amongst my own thoughts, which lead me only to over analyze, to think too far in depth of the simplest of situations. I have let every "potential" become a possibility of finally finding that happiness I had always dreamed of one day having.

I have broken many hearts in my path of finding true love, but perhaps it is the ones I have looked over who showed the most potential. Even at my young age I have to wonder if my fear will come true throughout the years. Will I have driven away any chance of me being happy? Will I have taken to much thought into what I wanted, compared to what was good and what I needed? Will I have grown so picky and shallow of those whom I allow myself to date, that I will find myself only surrounded by scum? I can only hope for better things. My heart knows deep down that I will one day find what I am searching for in this vast world. I will not be alone; how could I when there are billions of people in the world. Certainly there must be at least one out there who was meant for me?

I remember taking a world religions and mythology class my senior year of high school. I took the class because it contained one of my favorite teachers at the school, who surprisingly enough was from my home town 10 hours away. I was always fascinated with her teachings, feeling I would take the most from her class with me as I moved onto college. I was right in more ways than one. I remember a particular story that still holds in my mind so strong. It was a story of how when humans were made, we had a connection, like a string attached to us, that if we turned around we would find our soul mate. The humans could be happy with their significant other and never have to search far for them. Sadly, the humans had upset the gods, so as punishment, the gods cut the strings that attached us to our soul mate. We were banished to the world not knowing who our soul mate was and forced to search the world for them. If only it were as easy now to turn around and find the man I have been searching for all this time. Damn the gods indeed, for giving a punishment as harsh as this. For now I must walk this earth in search of the one I knew would be mine from the beginning of my existence. May my journey only bless me with a fine outcome.